incompatible and irritable and in need of grace

oh that tongue
in the last week. . .

i twisted my ankle.  badly.  it was silly too.  just walking in our neighborhood with my littles.  stepped on luca's foot and rolled my own ankle.  so thankful for a street full of friends who help out and a husband who works a mile from home.  i can now walk without the brace and cane, but it is still oh so tender.  you might find me limping around the house with a sour attitude this week.

in other news, enzo learned how to use a doorknob.  oh me oh my.  this has been a most exhausting stage of mamahood with him.  there is now no way to keep him contained.  and he is one child who needs to be contained.  mamas of fearless, sensory-seeking toddlers everyone are nodding their heads in solidarity.

these two things?
my twisted ankle and my two-year old?
pretty much incompatible.

please send help.
and a salad from panera if you can.
or just a chocolate croissant.
or both.
i'm not picky.

i am in need of an attitude change, i know.  it seems like life just doesn't calm down.  i hate to even voice my irritability, because i know i am not entitled to any sort of calm or easiness.  if i have learned anything in the last (almost) 33 years, it is that we don't get to choose what obstacles we face.  but we do get to choose how we respond.  those are heavy thoughts when you stop and think about this post beginning with a simple twisted ankle.  that is really not anywhere near that bad.  

but when i already feel overwhelmed by my chronic illness or my sons and their special needs or the other shoulder-weighing issues that i don't talk about here, a twisted ankle throws me off my balancing act.  it is exhausting.

if i could whisper an important truth into my younger self's ear, it would be to give myself grace.  or better put, to allow myself to accept Grace so lavishly and undeservedly given.  to not beat myself up about what i can and can not accomplish or be.  in hindsight, i see how crazily i was treading water and how much i was fighting on my own strength.  not allowing myself to abide in His strength.  i would remind myself that He is enough for me, in all my weakness and insecurity.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  2 Corinthians 12:9
even now, i am considering deleting this post because i feel silly.  too vulnerable and not eloquent.  so here is to hitting publish and not second guessing and accepting Grace, all in one fell swoop.

xoxo,
annalea 

28 comments:

Amy Bramer said...

thank you for not deleting, these are one of my favorite kinds of posts--weird? i love the honesty and i find that when you are honest other people can be too and it really does help other people. i am sorry you are having a bad week and i so get it, it's just that one little thing that can push you over the edge sometimes. much love to you! oh- and that picture? sweetest thing ever.

nicole i @ deliajude said...

no deleting. your honesty and candor is part of you. hard days weigh us all down but you found the key...for in His strength we walk forward...limping, braces, slowly or whatever way our human feet will allow.  i m sending you a virtual croissant.

jess said...

oh annalea, thanks for your vulnerability. this life is much more beautiful when we all walk together, isn't it? the two-year-old toddlerhood, yes, i know it well. oh the mischief making and tantrum throwing and snuggles and tears and messes and... well, the list goes on. i can't imagine having to do it all with a twisted ankle - bless you! praying for extra grace on your house and maybe a bit more PBS - that never hurts. ;)

Gina Norman said...

I feel for you and hear your pain all around, maybe just maybe my post from yesterday title I Need Grace Because, might resonate with you.  You are so allowed to have these weeks and seasons, the more gentle we are with ourselves, the easier it is to get through it....

Courtneyhenson said...

I think this post is beautiful and genuine. Just perfectly written. Here is to hitting publish without over thinking it!

Erin Adams said...

I am grateful you didn't delete this, Annalea.  I love the truth you speak here.  It is so okay to admit that it all is hard, as it piles up.  May God pour abundant grace on you & renew your spirit.   
We can't choose our trials, can we?  But I am pretty sure that is really for the best.  :)  Our loving Father has it planned just right - this masterpiece He is creating.
Hugs!

Jerusalem Greer said...

lovely lovely. so sorry about all of it. i understand so many parts. i am irritable and incompatible and all sorts of undone myself. and I gave up grumbling for lent! oh vey! i am sending you prayers and love and wishes for lots of healing, grace and Panera home deliveries.

natalie said...

I don't know you but from this blog, but I'm praying for you tonight!

Gretchen said...

"we don't get to choose what obstacles we face.  but we do get to choose how we respond."
Thank you for posting your feelings even though you seem to be second guessing your decision to do that.  I am grateful that you decided to post this so that I know that there are other people who struggle with having a positive attitude.

Andrea Lingle said...

It is so nice to know that I am not the only one facing down the grouchy side of life this week.  To be honest, I almost wish I could just get away from my beautiful family for a moment...but God is faithful and loving even when we are grouchy.  Love your heart and thanks for sharing.

Christine said...

Love love love this post!! So real. And who doesn't feel like that every now and then. I feel like I too have been treading water lately and not relying on His grace. So thank you go the reminder. :)

Jennifer said...

Dearest Annalea,
Thank you, oh Thank you for not hitting delete. You are an encouragement to me.

annaleahart said...

totally not weird, as they are my favorite too. :) (but writing them can be a mix of therapy and anxiety!) xoxo

annaleahart said...

one day, a real croissant? :)  and for you, in paris, oh so soon!!!  le sigh.

annaleahart said...

oh PBS.  it is our friend.  and thank you for walking alongside. 

annaleahart said...

that was so good, gina.  thank you for sharing. xoxo

annaleahart said...

oh thank you, courtney.  xoxo

annaleahart said...

it IS for the best!  i like to say i am in need of much refining. :) xoxo

annaleahart said...

thank you, friend, for the prayers and love and wishes.  undone is probably how He likes us best, ya think?

annaleahart said...

thank you, thank you, thank you. . . xoxo

annaleahart said...

you are welcome, gretchen.  thank you for reading.  xoxo

annaleahart said...

oh yes, the much desired break.  i am with you, sister.  i pray we both will find rest and peace amidst those we love. 

annaleahart said...

oh jennifer, those are sweet words.  you are welcome and i am humbled.  thank you! xoxo

cailan matthews said...

These open heart posts are always the best.   So sorry about your ankle - hope it heals quickly and trust you will learn sweet lessons in grace in the meantime. : )

Ruby, accepted in the Beloved... said...

Agreeing with others, & also suggesting you have your hubby pick up some of those plastic door knob covers! They helped me immensely with a few of my escape artists (I have 6). I know they're not pretty but when you're not up to speed (twisted ankle, morning sickness, new baby) they can really be a lifesaver.

Rachel said...

Don't feel silly! Lean on God and family. You will make it thru. Thank you for sharing. We all struggle, but sometimes hesitate to put it on our blogs because it's not "prefect and shiny". Your blog is a blessing.
Thank you Annalea

annaleahart said...

thank you for those kind words, rachel.  funny thing is i don't actually hesitate to post because i am anxious about the imperfections, but rather because i wonder if it is the "right" way to handle these emotions.  walking the line of sharing openly but not complaining.  most of the time there is not one "right" way though, but the heart behind it.  so the biggest hurdle is finding a way to communicate my heart and being understood.  how's this for a word-y reply?  :)  again, thank you! xoxo

annaleahart said...

ah, sweet lessons in grace.  love the sound of that.  thanks, dear!  xoxo

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