nothing left

i want to be all eloquent and stuff right now, but i just can't.  and what i also want is to spew out words and release a little stress and process my thoughts and emotions on this here little blog.  but i am too tired.  i have nothing left today.  i gave it all to my three kiddos.  and silly me decided to not ask God for some of His unfailing strength.  instead i just stumbled through the hours yelling and crying and wanting to give up before lunch.  it was awful.  i really did not do a great job of anything today.  except messing up.  yeah, that i did well.

it didn't matter that the older two acted like crazy monsters with incredibly selective hearing and enzo cried for two hours straight.  nope.  it seriously did not matter.  i made my own choices and they were bad ones.  i am owning up to them.  maybe that is one thing i can do well before the day ends. 

i have costumes to finish and e-mails galore to reply to and cleaning (. . .always the cleaning), but i am still upset.  isn't that horrible?  i just want to hold on to my alone time and be selfish and not give anything else to anyone else.  oh wait, i have nothing left anyway.  uggh.  as you can see, i am in a yucky place. 

i am not looking for pity or even sympathy.  i just wanted to be real and share the nitty gritty.  because it is not all about pretty tutorials or frugal home decor or fun family outings.  that stuff is great and sweet and worthwhile.  but it is not the whole story.  the whole story includes my brokenness.  

i think i need to sneak into a couple bedrooms tonight and whisper into small sleeping ears.  i can speak words of aching and love and apology.

as for tomorrow, here is my prayer . . .
do you not know?
       have you not heard?
       the LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.  29 He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.
 30 even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;
 31 but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       they will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.
 isaiah 40:28-31
i will walk.  i will run.  i will soar.

15 comments:

Mollie. said...

oh dear. yes, I know those days.

francine said...

bless your heart. i will be saying a prayer for you before i fall asleep tonight.

Lora said...

i am glad to know i'm not alone! we are in this journey together, my friend. praying for God's grace to help us through...
:)
lora
ps-you are a FANTASTIC mother!

Grundi said...

Just a perfect stranger (but sister) that was totally heartened by your vulnerability. Wherever you are, a chick in Minneapolis gets it. Sometimes it's nice just to think of the cross and nothing else.

{Amy} said...

ugh. those days...we all have them. hope tomorrow is better for you...it's a brand new day!

Randi said...

Every mother knows those days. Sometimes we just have to ask forgiveness and move forward ... there are great lessons to be learned through the humility of a mother. May you have a day filled with grace and mercy tomorrow.

swonderful said...

i am new to your blog but it seems like we have a lot (A LOT) in common. i've had some days like this recently, too. and i will have them again. but i keep trying to at least crawl... the walking and running and soaring just kinda happen when you make yourself at least crawl, you know? anyway, i am definitely subscribing to your blog and i'm glad i found you!

Heather at Blessed Little Nest said...

i know those days all to well. take care sweet friend! you are not alone.
tomorrow is a new day, a gift from God.

Anna said...

oh I know those days all too well, and THANK YOU for sharing that life and blogging isn't always sugar coated fluff, there's a real person who does real things everyday, just like everyone else. Tomorrow will be better.

Peeper said...

Oh my! I'm sorry you had such a rough day. But there it is: we're all sort of broken. There isn't a Mama alive who hasn't ended at least one day by telling her sleeping baby how sorry she is for losing her patience and promising that tomorrow will be better. And it will. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

nicole said...

New mercies...daily. CS Lewis said we read to know we are not alone. little did he know about the blogging world!

AndiMae said...

Oh, how I can relate to this post! I could have written the same exact thing a couple of nights ago. And I too found myself sneaking into my little ones' rooms late while they were sleeping, whispering sorrys and prayers. This is beautiful. Really really beautiful. I know that it is completely raw + nitty gritty, but I hear so much love in it all just the same. Praying that you have a restful night AND that tomorrow is a much better day!
xo

sfrediani said...

I have read your blog for a few months and I enjoy all of the beautiful things I see here, but your sincerity is more beautiful than all of those things. I am a new homeschooling mother too. I have had those hard days where I've just wanted to cry or go in to my closet and throw a tantrum of my own (three kids here too!). I have felt that sense of failure at the end of the day and realized that I've been a poor model of God's love to my little ones in those hard moments. What a comfort to know that His mercies are new every morning!!! Thank you for sharing your realness!! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who falls to pieces sometimes :-)

melanie said...

I loved this post. I can relate so well to this; as a matter of fact, I had to come back and read it again today. Thank you for your honesty and please know how encouraging this is to me!

mstalcup said...

So sorry you had such a rough day, we have all been there. I'm reading this book "Women and Stress" by Jean Lush. It has really helped me out. I have blogged about it in my blog, check it out if you have time - you might really like the book too. Hang in there and you are in my prayers. And, I agree, you are a wonderful mother and an awesome lady.

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