the maddest and the saddest

we made you the maddest ever today mama.  the maddest and the saddest.
yep, my five year old speaks the truth. 

that pretty much summed it up.  maybe not the "ever" part, but i sure was mad (and sad) all day.  luca and gia began to test all kinds of crazy boundaries yesterday afternoon and the behaviors just kept escalating today. i actually took their temp a few times just to make sure the whining, yelling, and hitting wasn't due to a case of the sickies.  nope.  just good old-fashioned make-me-pull-out-my-hair whining, hitting, screaming, yelling, crying disobedience. 

to be honest, i could have done a better job in response.  instead of modeling patience and consistency, i was all over the place with my emotions.  it can be so hard to not feel personally offended when the kiddos have days like this.  i think i cried a few times.  i know i yelled.  i did try to talk it out with them (to little avail).  and i prayed too. which is good.  but i wish i had done more of it.

what is kinda wild, is that i began to spiral down in a ton of other areas.  lack of confidence in my mothering led to major insecurity in homemaking and art.  every single pending to-do became a "see what you can't even manage to get done - what is wrong with you? - and if you tried to do it, it would probably be messed up."  like i was going to ruin everything i attempted.  reverse midas touch? 

i am pretty sure a couple neighborhood teens heard me yelling at one point through an open window and were making fun of my nuttiness.  i would have guessed my first reaction to be embarrassment.  but instead i seriously wanted to run outside and give them a good talking to.  like, did they want to try living my life?  but then i realized i would be that weird "old" lady still wearing pajamas at 3:30pm with spit up dried on her shoulder.

i want to believe tomorrow will be better.  and it can be.  even if luca and gia don't act any different.  i can choose to be faithful as their mama.  that is my prayer tonight.

8 comments:

Mollie. said...

I had a day like that on Monday (and I don't even have children of my own...this was with my young siblings!). In the midst of it, I felt like God gave me this verse:

May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance. 2 Thessalonians 3:5

I hope that may bring a bit of encouragement!

Jennifer said...

love you. praying for you. you're a faithful mama and God is a faithful God. tomorrow will be better.

Peeper said...

Tomorrow is a brand new day. And it will be better, I promise. ((Hugs))

These days? We all have them and by the grace of God alone we somehow survive! You are SO not alone!
Today was bizarre though - phase of the moon maybe? I literally walked out of the hospital today in order to avoid blowing up at a client. I should really have been more compassionate - it's not the dog's fault that his owner is a paranoid schizophrenic. But I was behind and rushed and the thought of being there an hour later at the end of the day - of missing bath-time and the last bottle and the sight, smell, touch, sound of my sweet babes last waking moments for the day - well, it sent me into orbit.

Kelly said...

it can only get better, days like that are so hard,
kelly x

Kim said...

My husband has been traveling a lot for work lately. As a result we've been having frequent days like that. I try to step back and just see what I can learn from it. It always helps to put it in perspective. But, I know what you mean ... my neighbors probably think I'm a lunatic. Sending you strength and good vibes!!
Kim

~april said...

hang in there...it can only get better if this was the worst! God loves and forgives, so we can try try again and also have the energy to do so :)

Rebecca said...

I understand what you're feeling minus 1 child. When I look back at my dramatic reaction to bad days at home with the kids, I just tell myself not to take it so seriously, to choose to relax and regain my composure. Think big picture with this - they're just being kids, even though it almost makes you crazy, and you're surely blessed by 3 beautiful ones and a great hubby! You do a great job and should be proud:) Love ya Annie!

Lora said...

oh my goodness! i totally understand!! you are doing a great job. you are a wonderful, creative, nurturing, Spirit-led mother who is raising up her little ones for Jesus. Don't believe the lies of the enemy. I am praying for you!
lora

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